Hi my friends! I’m sorry for my sporadic posting as of late! Actually, I take that back, I’m not really sorry. I recently read and watched this and….. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Yesterday I caught myself apologizing twice for what was essentially just being alive and out in the world. One of those times a man was coming in a door that I was going out of- and the door was solid so neither one of us could see the other until we were practically bumping into eachother. He said “Oh! Excuse me!” and I simultaneously said “OH! I’m so sorry!!!” WTF! That auto-apology is no bueno, I’ve got to kick that habit to the curb!
So routing back- my posting has been sporadic, but there’s a reason for it. That reason, as it is, has to do with my health. I’ve been STRUGGLING this year. At first I thought it was the stress of the move- and the six weeks living with friends, the buying and selling of our houses. But then all of that was behind us. Next I thought it was that being under that stress for so long triggered my body and that once life settled I would feel better. A few other things popped up and life wasn’t settled.
It is now, settled. It has been for the past month and a half. Yet still, my health has been progressively declining. Most days I wake up in the mornings feeling like I’ve been out at a club until 2 am rather than refreshed. My voice is hoarse and there are dark circles under my eyes. There are days when I can do nothing but rest, and days when I can manage 4-5 hours of activity before crashing HARD. I’ll spare you the full list of my other symptoms for now while I’m still sorting out the answer- but as soon as I know what’s going on I’ll share it in the hopes that it’ll help some of you who are on your own path to finding health! Or maybe I won’t find the answer and I’ll share the details anyway- it’s all still to unfold.
Since I haven’t been able to change my situation- although I’m so fortunate to be seeing an amazing acupuncturist, an incredible homeopath, working with my genius trainer/nutrition expert January, and also consulting with a western Dr.- I’ve been learning about acceptance. I’ve always been such a do-er and a fix-er. I’ve always believed that we have the ability to make our lives exactly what we dream it to be. I’ve believed that we can heal our health issues, that it’s a matter of searching for the answers. I still believe a part of that, but I also believe that things pop up in this lifetime to challenge us to grow, to force us into the corners of our minds to uncover what we already inherently know: that sometimes we can’t fix. We can’t DO. All that’s possible is ACCEPTANCE.
There have been times when I’m laying in bed, sad about all that I’m missing out on, in pain, wishing that things were different and searching so hard for the answers to the WHY. I now believe the WHY is just that I have to let go of the question and move towards being OK with what IS. Letting go of that attachment to the idea that there is a WHY, or that I’m meant to understand it at this very moment, is hard work, but I find that in the moments when I can- I feel at peace. I’ve realized that the struggle is more painful than the reality- that struggling against not feeling well actually feels WORSE than my symptoms and physical pain- if that makes sense! I guess it boils down to this- the mental discomfort of resisting physical pain is worse than the physical pain itself.
I’ve also realized- I NEED this. This round of health issues is going to teach me so much- just as my last round of health issues did. It’s slowing me down. It’s forcing me to look for strength I didn’t know I had, it’s changing my perspective on SO many things. It’s bringing me straight into the present moment- the only moment that’s guaranteed, that lives anywhere outside of my memory or imagination. It’s bringing me straight into moments of pure surrender and acceptance. It’s shining a light on exactly what matters in my life by making me choose- on the days when I have the energy to get out of bed- what do I want to spend it doing? Who do I want to spend it with? What REALLY matters to me now? These are the questions illness brings to the surface- and they’re good for EVERYONE.
None of us are promised anything but this very moment. What do you want to spend it doing? Who do you want to spend it with? What really matters to YOU? What challenges are you facing where you might be able to find relief in acceptance rather than the pain of struggling against them?
This is my path. Everything that’s happening is to help me grow, to teach me what I’m meant to learn in this lifetime. I’m going to continue to share with you, your comments always mean the world to me. And it turns out that THIS, this is part of what I want to do on the days when I can get out of bed. THIS is what matters to me. Thank you for reading, for being on the other side of this site that wouldn’t exist without you, and thank you most of all for all of your insightful and kind comments, for sharing a part of yourselves with me as well. xx- Sarah