last week i went to visit my friend elizabeth and her brand new baby. i was so overwhelmed with love for them both, and happiness for this sweet little baby who was so lucky to be born to such an incredible mama that i broke down and cried. like, the kind of crying where you try to pretend you have it under control but really you need a good 5 minutes of alone time to compose yourself. or to cry it out into a pillow. it’s such a beautiful thing, a newborn, a mama, that love. it gets me.
but here’s the thing- as much as i really, REALLY love it, i don’t know that i want it for myself. i might, and there have been times when in thought for sure i did, but i go back and forth! and one thing i’ve always been certain of is that unless i desperately want to have a baby, i won’t be getting pregnant and having one. which i know might strike some people as strange, but i grew up with the understanding that i wasn’t one of those babies that was dreamed about and wished for and wanted. which is not to say that i wasn’t loved, i was. but it’s different. and i want to make sure that if we ever bring someone into this world we’re doing it because we absolutely feel like it’s the best thing we can do for another human. that we’re capable, equipped and ready (as much as anyone can be) to grow a baby human and nurture them into a (hopefully) awesome adult. i’m lucky enough to have married a man who feels the same way i do.
it’s so confusing. i love babies, i love kids, i have a nurturing nature. but i don’t have a driving force in me telling me that i need a baby. i know that can change. and i’ve experienced what it’s like- there as a solid chunk of time after i got out of the hospital that i did want a baby and felt strongly that we should have one… but that feeling has slowly been fading. i thought when we settled into our own house it would come back. but so far, i’m still sitting very uncomfortably smack dab in the middle of the fence. and wonderful lou is right there beside me.
how do you make a decision this big if you don’t feel passionately one way or the other? if you have any thoughts/advice at all for us, i’d love to hear it.
*photo from elizabeth’s instragram
** this post stemmed from a conversation that elizabeth and i had the that day, and then was further inspired by joanna’s post. loved the reading the different perspectives and the comments (for the most part)