I shared Carlos’ passing here but couldn’t bring myself to write about it until now. I felt like it was a goodbye that I wasn’t ready to say. I’m still not ready to say it. I want to cook him a meal and sit at the dining room table with him and watch his face light up in happy surprise when he likes it. I want to hear him say “Sarita” a hundred thousand more times. I want to see him and Lou sitting outside deeply engrossed in a conversation, knowing that they would both choose to be nowhere else in that moment. As anyone who has lost someone knows, there are moments when it’s ok and then other moments when the finality of it all hits like a brick wall right in the face.
Carlos was with us for 18 days, a far shorter time than we expected or hoped for. The last week he was mostly unresponsive. But he found ways to let us know he was with us still. And then finally, he let go. I was in my office working, Lou was outside working on a home project. I randomly decided to check on Carlos and found him still, not breathing. At almost that exact moment Lou came inside, for a reason he wouldn’t understand until later. I came into the kitchen and told him I thought that Carlos had gone, tears in my eyes. Lou came into the room, put his head on his dad’s chest and all was quiet. And then all of a sudden Carlos took a giant gasp of air, scaring Lou nearly to death. He jumped back, shocked. I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself. We can picture Carlos wagging his finger at us saying “I got you”. We held his hands, we told him we loved him, we laughed and cried. He took one final breath and was gone, to the sound of our laughter and love. I don’t think I could imagine a better ending to his story, it was perfect.
But I can’t say goodbye, or I won’t. Instead I’m going to write about some of the things Carlos taught me. That’s what he’d prefer anyway. And of course, more of the photos from his time with us. (There are even more on Lou’s site if you’d care to see) Thank you again for all of the kindness during this time, it’s been such a tremendous comfort to us. xx- Sarah {more after the jump}
