We ALL Have Our Shit

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Happy Monday friends!  I hope you had a great weekend!   I took the full two days to myself- the first time since we moved here in January that I’ve had a proper two days off.  I needed it in a bad way.  So unfortunately I didn’t get the recipe posts up for today that I was hoping to- and it may take me a couple of days still.  I spent a few hours on the beach by myself Sunday, thinking about life- and that time to be alone with my thoughts has been so few and far between this year with all of the craziness surrounding selling/buying houses and moving and business and regular life stuff and four months of struggling with my health.  I needed it.  And I’m in the midst of working on what I like to think of as “my shit”.  I apologize for those of you who my language offends but I come from a family of pirates and I embrace it. {photo via and more after the jump} click to read yo

A Little Reminder

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I shared on my Instagram that lately I’ve been struggling- as I do when we move and life is unsettled.  I’ve been more sick than I’ve been since I was hospitalized, and I’m doing everything in my power to get better- acupuncture, yoga, meditation, 100% clean eating, rubbing lavender oil all over my body like it’s juice from the heavens, etc.  And I am, don’t worry!  But for some reason this time my body doesn’t want to let go of the stress, which of course exacerbates my health issues which then causes more stress and anxiety.  Ugly cycle!  I’m having trouble sleeping, the “fear bunny”, which is what I call that thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night feeling panicked- it’s ever present.  I can’t seem to just SETTLE.

Sunday night I had a panic attack that landed me in the ER- I was so overwhelmed with trying to heal myself, with all that’s going on in our lives- personally and professionally and with just trying to get our feet under us, that I came unravelled.  It was an out of body experience.  I couldn’t move my arms or legs- I could feel them tingling but as hard as I willed my mind to make them move- they wouldn’t.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I was alternating sweating and shivering.  My body was twitching.  I couldn’t get my thoughts under control, all I could think about was how very out of control everything in my body was.  It was a giant un-doing and it was terrifying.  After about an hour or so Lou and my best friend were able to calm me enough to carry me to the car and off to the ER for some medications to help. I slept for a full 24 hours after.

This is my life at the moment.  And so rather than keep resisting it- I’m going to lean into it.  I’m going to accept that this is just where I am, where I may be for who knows how long. This unnerving sense of anxiety- it’s just going to be a part of my life until one day it isn’t.  I’m seeking western medicine’s help on this one as well- my acupuncturist said that I may be so exhausted that a little boost from modern medicine might be just what I need to help me get back to myself and that anti-anxiety medication may help me stabilize.

I wanted to write about this, as personal and scary as it is to share, because there’s an awful stigma about mental health in our society.  I’m a perfectly lovely, perfectly sane, perfectly has-my-shit together person- 99.9% of the time.  But I have anxiety.  And I know so, so, SO many of you do too.  Among other mental health issues.  IT’S OK!  I repeat: IT IS OKAY!  We’re all doing the best we can.  We’re all exactly where we need to be- learning and growing and struggling and God-willing we’re overcoming.  So if you have anxiety or depression, or any other malady (mental or physical) – please know that you’re not alone. You are so very, very not alone.  And it will get better.  I believe that with all of my heart. And we need to talk about it- loudly, clearly, with passion and compassion.  The stigma needs to go the way of mile high 80’s bangs.  We are all: exactly. as. we. are. meant. to. be.  Keep going, keep growing.  I love you.  xx- Sarah

Musings: Share Your Secrets

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Hello my friends!  I’m excited today to revisit my musings column.  My intention is to write more this year- to touch on the things I’ve learned from struggles I’ve overcome or experiences I’ve had, things that I’m reminding myself of or just random thoughts that have been kicking around in the ol’ brain for awhile!  Today’s Musings post is about the secrets we keep and how sharing them can set you free.

We all have a history- we’ve all done things that we are ashamed of.  We have things about ourselves that we’re embarrassed by, that we don’t share with ANYONE.  And that feeling, that shame, it’s toxic.  It’s the voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.  It’s the voice that keeps you from feeling like the best self that you already ARE.

Whatever you’ve done, the very worst of it, is forgivable.  Whatever those things are about yourself that you don’t share, that you feel ashamed of- those things don’t define you, they have nothing to do with your value or how lovable you are.  You’re perfectly perfect and wonderful and exactly as you’re meant to be- just as you are.

In my experience, the only way to start believing that, truly believing it, is to share the things you’re terrified to share with the person who you trust most.  And then to keep sharing if possible.  Those secrets feed that negative voice in your head, they perpetuate the myth that there’s something to be ashamed of.  Sharing them forces you to confront that.  It’s not easy work.  It’s terrifying and invites a vulnerability to your sense of self like no other.  But releasing those secrets is a tremendous gift to your spirit.  And the burden of that shame will be lifted, one shared secret at a time.  Challenge your secrets.  Be free.  Love yourself.    xx- Sarah

THIS IS LIFE

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We were supposed to fly out to Bali tonight (thank you so much for all of your jet-lag tips and well wishes on Friday’s post!).  We’re going to postpone our trip, and I have to explain- it would be weird at this point not to.  I haven’t written about what’s been going on in our family life because it feels so personal, and we’re right in the middle of it, but I think we need your support and I’m certain many of you have gone through similar experiences.  Last year around this time Lou’s father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  At the end of summer he had surgery and we were all hopeful that it would help keep the cancer at bay.  Unfortunately at the end of January we found out that it had come back and any further care would be palliative.  Palliative.  Hospice.  Metastasize.  There’s a whole new language to be learned when cancer comes into your life, it’s an education I wish for no one.

Pancreatic cancer is aggressive and one of the worst, from what we’ve been told.  We’ve been going back and forth to Florida since his diagnosis every chance we get- which we feel so fortunate to have been able to do quite a lot.  Our plan had been to move Lou’s dad in with us after our Bali trip, but some test results over the weekend made it obvious that we would be unwise to delay his trip, so tomorrow Lou will be flying back to Florida to get him.  He’ll be spending the rest of his days, however many they may be, with us here in Palm Springs.  We’re looking forward to caring for him and loving him through the rest of his life.  I feel like a robot typing this, I’m not ready to really write about what it all means and how it all feels.  For now the facts are all I can offer up.  But someday I hope to write about this experience- the beautiful, the messy, the real.  In the meantime, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  I love you, and thank you.  xx- Sarah

OH YES YOU CAN

This year is FLYING BY, isn’t it?!  I can’t believe we’re creeping up on March already.  Around the New Year this inspiring message from Bhava Ram arrived in my inbox and I’ve been clinging to it.  This message of hope and empowerment, it’s just what I need for this year.  And I’m certain there are those of you reading who will love this reminder too.  WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.  And I’m so grateful for that.  Happy weekend everyone!  xx- Sarah

MUSINGS: CRAFT YOUR LIFE FROM DAYDREAMS

hi everyone, welcome to my second installment of musings! we’re leaving monday for a two week trip to the east coast and the anticipation has got me thinking…

love traveling.  when i have a trip on the books it’s just about all i can think about.  it consumes me, i can spend hours daydreaming about what i’ll see, eat, wear.  the people i’ll meet, the people i love who i’ll visit.  i get excited for the smells, sounds and tastes that will be new to me.  the airports, trains, planes, taxis, and hotel beds, i love it ALL.  but the thing i love most is the feeling i get when i’m in the midst of it.  i feel somehow more alive, more myself, more open to what life brings me.  

traveling, for me, is that thing that really moves me.  it’s what stirs the creativity inside me, it feeds the adventurous part of my spirit, it expands my sense of self to encompass the entire world rather than my tiny little at-home world.  i feel most like myself when i’m away from home and outside of my comfort zone, if that makes sense.  it’s one of the most fulfilling things that i do.  

and so i wonder, why not more?  

what is it that moves you, that really makes you feel ALIVE?  is it a part of your everyday life?  should it be?  in writing this i’m reminded that we’re truly responsible for crafting our lives, shaping daydreams into realities.  so, i’m going to be spending more time day dreaming and more time crafting.  here’s to all of us having the lives of our wildest imaginations!  xx- sarah

* is that graphic not killing you with awesomeness?  we have aileen cheng to thank for that!  best. designer. ever.