No, but seriously! I’m not sorry!


Hi my friends!  I’m sorry for my sporadic posting as of late!  Actually, I take that back, I’m not really sorry.  I recently read and watched this and….. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  Yesterday I caught myself apologizing twice for what was essentially just being alive and out in the world.  One of those times a man was coming in a door that I was going out of- and the door was solid so neither one of us could see the other until we were practically bumping into eachother.  He said “Oh!  Excuse me!”  and I simultaneously said “OH!  I’m so sorry!!!”  WTF!  That auto-apology is no bueno, I’ve got to kick that habit to the curb!

So routing back- my posting has been sporadic, but there’s a reason for it.  That reason, as it is, has to do with my health.  I’ve been STRUGGLING this year.  At first I thought it was the stress of the move- and the six weeks living with friends, the buying and selling of our houses.  But then all of that was behind us.  Next I thought it was that being under that stress for so long triggered my body and that once life settled I would feel better.  A few other things popped up and life wasn’t settled.

It is now, settled.  It has been for the past month and a half.  Yet still, my health has been progressively declining.  Most days I wake up in the mornings feeling like I’ve been out at a club until 2 am rather than refreshed.   My voice is hoarse and there are dark circles under my eyes.  There are days when I can do nothing but rest, and days when I can manage 4-5 hours of activity before crashing HARD.  I’ll spare you the full list of my other symptoms for now while I’m still sorting out the answer- but as soon as I know what’s going on I’ll share it in the hopes that it’ll help some of you who are on your own path to finding health!  Or maybe I won’t find the answer and I’ll share the details anyway- it’s all still to unfold.

Since I haven’t been able to change my situation- although I’m so fortunate to be seeing an amazing acupuncturist, an incredible homeopath, working with my genius trainer/nutrition expert January, and also consulting with a western Dr.- I’ve been learning about acceptance.  I’ve always been such a do-er and a fix-er.  I’ve always believed that we have the ability to make our lives exactly what we dream it to be.  I’ve believed that we can heal our health issues, that it’s a matter of searching for the answers.  I still believe a part of that, but I also believe that things pop up in this lifetime to challenge us to grow, to force us into the corners of our minds to uncover what we already inherently know: that sometimes we can’t fix.  We can’t DO.  All that’s possible is ACCEPTANCE.

There have been times when I’m laying in bed, sad about all that I’m missing out on, in pain, wishing that things were different and searching so hard for the answers to the WHY.  I now believe the WHY is just that I have to let go of the question and move towards being OK with what IS.  Letting go of that attachment to the idea that there is a WHY, or that I’m meant to understand it at this very moment, is hard work, but I find that in the moments when I can- I feel at peace.  I’ve realized that the struggle is more painful than the reality- that struggling against not feeling well actually feels WORSE than my symptoms and physical pain- if that makes sense! I guess it boils down to this- the mental discomfort of resisting physical pain is worse than the physical pain itself.

I’ve also realized- I NEED this.  This round of health issues is going to teach me so much- just as my last round of health issues did.  It’s slowing me down.  It’s forcing me to look for strength I didn’t know I had, it’s changing my perspective on SO many things.  It’s bringing me straight into the present moment- the only moment that’s guaranteed, that lives anywhere outside of my memory or imagination.  It’s bringing me straight into moments of pure surrender and acceptance.  It’s shining a light on exactly what matters in my life by making me choose- on the days when I have the energy to get out of bed- what do I want to spend it doing?  Who do I want to spend it with?  What REALLY matters to me now?  These are the questions illness brings to the surface- and they’re good for EVERYONE.

None of us are promised anything but this very moment.  What do you want to spend it doing?  Who do you want to spend it with?  What really matters to YOU?  What challenges are you facing where you might be able to find relief in acceptance rather than the pain of struggling against them?

This is my path.  Everything that’s happening is to help me grow, to teach me what I’m meant to learn in this lifetime.  I’m going to continue to share with you, your comments always mean the world to me.  And it turns out that THIS, this is part of what I want to do on the days when I can get out of bed.  THIS is what matters to me.  Thank you for reading, for being on the other side of this site that wouldn’t exist without you, and thank you most of all for all of your insightful and kind comments, for sharing a part of yourselves with me as well.  xx- Sarah

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Reader Comments

  1. Anna Cecchinato|

    Sarah, it’s a while that i read your blog and follow your social media, but recently i really found myself close to you and to your journey. I hope to find your peace of mind and your strenght soon.
    Thanks for sharing all of this with us! <3
    Keep shining! 🙂

  2. Manu|

    Oh, Sarita, it always seems like you’re writing my thoughts. Thank you thank you, please keep talking to us from the heart.
    I’m right now waiting for a Doctors appointment on Friday to find out what’s wrong with my digestive system (it might be celiac disease, IBS, or something else), and in the meantime I have to keep working, pretending I’m fine and smiling through the pain, and then when I come back home I want to smile to my husband as well but I just can’t. And then I feel terrible inside and out.
    I think pain has this ability to create like a vicious cycle: you feel phisically bad, then you feel emotionally bad because you want to feel good, and everybody around you is worried about you and trying to comfort you, and it never ends.
    Reading you and writing about it brings some kind of relief. Thank you again, and I hope you get better very soon.
    p.s: I was about to apologise for all that ramble but I didn’t! 😛

  3. Amanda|

    THANK YOU for sharing! My heart aches after reading this post. Your bravery and
    honesty are an inspiration to me. I broke my leg at the beginning of March, a tib/fib spiral fracture. Three casts later I’m just learning to walk again. This has made me realize how much I took for granted. I’m not an idler but a doer. Thankfully I have an amazing husband. What I try to remember is, this to shall pass. (And to keep things in perspective, so hard.) Again, thank you for all your sentiments filled with strength and allowing me to feel so not alone.

  4. Ali|

    Wow- thanks for sharing. I have so much compassion for your situation because I can totally relate to what you are going through. I have UC and after a few years of feeling great, my health has suddenly taken a nose dive. I wound up in the ER with blood transfusions, yada, yada. And YES I TOTALLY had a few days of fear, followed by anger, and then self-pity, and then this terrible SADNESS- because yes it is hard to feel “connected and alive” when you are lying in a bed watching the world go by!! With that said, this is a time to remember the importance of self-care and living in the moment and GRATITUDE and let ourselves be loved and cared for. So, I wish you peace and joy on your journey back to health- because of course that is where you are headed!

  5. Marissa|

    sounds like u have a positive attitude despite what u r going through and that’s awesome. Have missed your post, but take care of yourself! Just food for thought…. when u mentioned being hoarse….has your thyroid been checked? That was one of the first symptoms I had when my thyroid was going downhill….a wacked out thyroid can mess up so much in the body.

  6. Caitlin|

    wow, lady. i wish you nothing but the best and really hope you get to the bottom of these issues. how scary! the symptoms you listed remind me of my mother in law who suffers from fibromyalgia. whatever it is, i’m thinking of you and cheering you on <3

  7. Mia|

    Hi Sarah!
    I’ve only recently started reading your blog regularly (I first found you about a year ago) and I want to tell you how much your writing has moved me. Your recent posts have been so true-to-your-heart and reading them has been inspiring and heartwarming. I hope your health issues get sorted out quickly–I know how scary it is to not know what is wrong–but as someone else said in their comment, this too shall pass and you will get better. Wishing you healing thoughts and peaceful vibes. ~Mia

  8. Stefanie|

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with your health. I hope you find the answers and are able to heal soon! I also recently had the realization that maybe there doesn’t have to be a why for everything. Maybe sometimes things just suck, and acceptance, living in the present, and sharing are the only things that matter. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you strength!

  9. Jenna of This Is My Happiness|

    Such wisdom in your words, Sarah. Thank you for sharing. Anyone who reads your posts can learn from this because we should all be thinking about how to spend our time and know that struggles teach us who we really are and what life really is.
    I hadn’t seen the “I’m sorry” article or skit until now. I completely agree that women apologize way too much! I’ll be sharing it in my Friday round-up post. Best wishes to you. xo

  10. Emily|

    Sending you hugs. Such a tough time for you and your family and I wish you all the best at finding out what’s wrong and getting on the path to recovery.
    It sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself and I love hearing you story of being in the moment and deciding what you really want to spend your time on. It’s like something else I have heard before around if today was your last day would you be pleased on what you decided to do with it. I think that’s a great thing to live by. Yes, we all need to work to bring in money for the big things and for survival, but we can choose where we work and what we do. Life is way too short to be I a job that makes you unhappy or doesn’t fit with your values. There are other jobs out there and you are worth so much more than settling or putting up with a bad workplace.
    So thank you for sharing and I hope you continue your journey of finding happiness as your health continues to improve.

  11. Nora|

    Thanks for sharing this- I can totally relate. I’m in the midst of chemo to treat my ovarian cancer diagnosis, and some days I get so anxious and frustrated over my present health situation. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. Focus on gratitude and what you are able to do. Sending healing vibes your way!

  12. Bailey|

    As I struggle to find answers to my own health issues I wish I could “borrow” your attitude for even a moment…..the not having an answer is killing me…..

  13. Emily -- The Rossetto Blog|

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I have struggled with colitis off and on (but mostly on) for five years now and sometimes, acceptance is all you can do. I’m all for being proactive in searching for treatment, adhering to diets, etc., but there is so much to be said for doing all of those things, while just accepting the current sate. So hard to do but so good. Thank you for writing. xo

  14. sonia Harrison|

    Dear Sarah. No one said the journey would be easy and you are handling it with grace, confidence hope and resolve. I will always have you in my prayers. There are no words to explain how affected I am by your post, I too have been dealing with life lessons, and sometimes I feel as if I do not need to learn anymore I need to graduate, but reading your words have given me renewed hope and purpose. to go forward realizing that taking care of me should always be a priority and that things can wait while I smell a rose, Lots of love

  15. Anne|

    Sarah, Thinking of you! You are appreciated, and an inspiration! Know that you are not alone – and that lots of people who read your blog care about you! xoxo, Anne

  16. Brenda Murphy|

    I just found your blog and am now catching up. I love your style and passion for life and expression thereof. I get a little bit of where you are at. Just after renovating our “dream home” it blew up, with me in it. Not surprisingly, I had my fair share of injuries. It has been 7 years and I am still healing. What I am most surprised about is the beauty in taking the time to heal. My long time meditation and yoga practice has been invaluable and speaks to being present and also acceptance. When I teach meditation, one of the main underpinnings is self awareness, acceptance and gentleness. Learning to be kind to ourselves is a gift not only to us, but to the world. Thank you for your honesty in expression. Stay present, be kind to yourself and breath:) xob

  17. Megan|

    Unfortunately, Crohn’s has a multitude of symptoms – you could simply be feeling terrible because you have Crohn’s! My daughter battles with constant fatigue, aches & pains and a general sense of feeling unwell. It’s very frustrating! Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  18. Anna Sanders|

    Your posts are so inspiring! I struggle with depression and have for about 7 years. Often I wonder why this is happening to me, but you remind me to learn from it and never let it makes me who I am. So thank you so much!