I shared on my Instagram that lately I’ve been struggling- as I do when we move and life is unsettled. I’ve been more sick than I’ve been since I was hospitalized, and I’m doing everything in my power to get better- acupuncture, yoga, meditation, 100% clean eating, rubbing lavender oil all over my body like it’s juice from the heavens, etc. And I am, don’t worry! But for some reason this time my body doesn’t want to let go of the stress, which of course exacerbates my health issues which then causes more stress and anxiety. Ugly cycle! I’m having trouble sleeping, the “fear bunny”, which is what I call that thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night feeling panicked- it’s ever present. I can’t seem to just SETTLE.
Sunday night I had a panic attack that landed me in the ER- I was so overwhelmed with trying to heal myself, with all that’s going on in our lives- personally and professionally and with just trying to get our feet under us, that I came unravelled. It was an out of body experience. I couldn’t move my arms or legs- I could feel them tingling but as hard as I willed my mind to make them move- they wouldn’t. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop crying. I was alternating sweating and shivering. My body was twitching. I couldn’t get my thoughts under control, all I could think about was how very out of control everything in my body was. It was a giant un-doing and it was terrifying. After about an hour or so Lou and my best friend were able to calm me enough to carry me to the car and off to the ER for some medications to help. I slept for a full 24 hours after.
This is my life at the moment. And so rather than keep resisting it- I’m going to lean into it. I’m going to accept that this is just where I am, where I may be for who knows how long. This unnerving sense of anxiety- it’s just going to be a part of my life until one day it isn’t. I’m seeking western medicine’s help on this one as well- my acupuncturist said that I may be so exhausted that a little boost from modern medicine might be just what I need to help me get back to myself and that anti-anxiety medication may help me stabilize.
I wanted to write about this, as personal and scary as it is to share, because there’s an awful stigma about mental health in our society. I’m a perfectly lovely, perfectly sane, perfectly has-my-shit together person- 99.9% of the time. But I have anxiety. And I know so, so, SO many of you do too. Among other mental health issues. IT’S OK! I repeat: IT IS OKAY! We’re all doing the best we can. We’re all exactly where we need to be- learning and growing and struggling and God-willing we’re overcoming. So if you have anxiety or depression, or any other malady (mental or physical) – please know that you’re not alone. You are so very, very not alone. And it will get better. I believe that with all of my heart. And we need to talk about it- loudly, clearly, with passion and compassion. The stigma needs to go the way of mile high 80’s bangs. We are all: exactly. as. we. are. meant. to. be. Keep going, keep growing. I love you. xx- Sarah