The Definitive Guide to Healthy Eating

definitive_guide_A_House_in_the_Hills

As you may know, or remember from this, I have Crohn’s disease which I have been managing with diet and lifestyle since my diagnosis in February 2011.  This past year I started dealing with some other health issues (more on this tomorrow).  So for the past year I dived deep down the internet rabbit hole to find answers, I researched the vast variety of diets and health recommendations relentlessly to figure out what is TRULY the best way to eat.  I read and researched and read some more.  Here’s what I’ve learned:  {so much more after the jump!}

Sugar is the devil’s spawn and is more addictive than heroin and you probably don’t even know that it’s COMPLETELY CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE AND RUINING YOUR CHANCES OF EVER BEING HEALTHY OR HAPPY OR BEING LOVED BY ANYONE.  EVER.  If you eat sugar you may end up in a mental institution.

The stress of NOT eating sugar is worse for you than actually eating sugar, and you will forever be a pariah at social gatherings if you are so rigid in your diet that you can’t enjoy an occasional piece of cake.  Your friends will turn on you and replace you with a friend who bakes or at the very least eats sugar 20% of the time.

Your gut is the most important part of your body and a delicate flora that is IMPOSSIBLE to keep in balance but it is your entire life’s work to do so.  If you fail you will die.

Gluten is the devil.  The actual devil.  Unless you test negative for gluten sensitivity in which case it’s perfectly healthy and should be enjoyed as part of a balanced diet and eaten on the reg.

If you test negative for gluten sensitivity IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GLUTEN IS NOT DESTROYING YOUR GUT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, IT’S MOST LIKELY CAUSING IRREPARABLE DAMAGE THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU.

Grains are the true devil and should be avoided at all costs, they will cause your gut to leak, destroy your relationships and they will make you fat and quite probably cause diabetes.  Unless you soak them overnight before cooking in which case they are slightly less toxic.

Grains are the best and only way to receive enough carbohydrates for your body to function properly, one should make whole grains a regular part of one’s diet without fail.  Without them you will become a shadow of yourself and die.

Fruit is a product of Satan, it causes your blood sugar to spike and is basically like eating a bag of refined sugar. It’s also as addictive as crack.  If you eat fruit you are a crackhead.

Fruit is filled with fiber, antioxidants and is a critical part of a healthy, balanced diet.  Without the proper amounts of fruits and vegetables one will face a lifetime of illness, pain and suffering and eventually die alone without even a cat for company.

Vegetables are the perfect food.  Unless they’re not organic + non-GMO, or are nightshades, or are eaten at the same time as a protein or fruit or grains.  Or are heavy in carbohydrates or sugar.  In any of the aforementioned cases they will cause your gut to leak and subsequently ruin your life and kill you dead.

Meat is a CRITICAL part of a healthy diet- without protein you will fall over and die and leading up to that your hair and nails will always be brittle and cause you great disappointment.  You will also be pale and weak and look like a strong gust of wind could blow you cross country.  If you question this look to our cavemen ancestors for proof.

Meat will spend months being digested in your gut instigating all kinds of issues and is the leading cause of cancer and if you do not eat a vegan diet you will not only be responsible for the torture of every animal on the planet but you will also die a slow painful death for your gross negligence.  If you eat meat you are making the biggest mistake of your life.

Fish is the perfect source of protein and one that should absolutely be consumed- BUT NO MORE THAN TWO TIMES A WEEK.  The Omega 3’s found in fish are CRITICAL for your brain- without them you will lose your ability to think.

Fish is loaded with mercury which is basically poison, the over-consumption of fish is destroying the oceans, the planet is about to die because of our freakish obsession with eating sea animals, the entire ecosystem will be catastrophically ruined and then we’ll all be sorry (and dead as well).

You should only eat raw foods, cooking food destroys all the nutrients and you’d be better off eating cardboard than cooked foods.  Cardboard.  Seriously.

Eating raw foods destroys your digestive fire.  You should eat raw foods ONLY on rare occasions, and ONLY during the Summer months, and ONLY if you are ok with risking your life.

Dairy is a disgusting product and is completely unnatural for humans to consume- eating it is basically the same as suckling off a cows teat directly and will cause you to grow as obese as the baby cow that it’s meant for.   It will also cause congestion in your body and you will be a hideous, stuffy-nosed fat mess should you choose to poison your body with it.

Dairy is completely healthy when eaten as a regular part of one’s diet- in small amounts, but ONLY FROM SHEEP OR GOATS.  And of course if it’s not organic it will kill you.

You should 100% of the time follow the 80/20 rule where you eat only healthy foods 80% of the time and indulge in foods that will kill you and destroy your health 20% of the time.  If you ignore the 80/20 rule you will be obese, or unhealthy. Both of which will result in a slow, painful and lonely death.

The ONLY way to eat is seasonally, locally and sustainably.  If you live in a place where snow falls and kills crops and animals starve you should eat snow and only snow.  To do anything else will cause immediate and untimely death.

You should absolutely cut the following foods from your diet and never eat them again at the risk of destroying your health, your future and any chance of happiness you ever had:  sugar, grains, processed foods, nuts, seeds, oils, alcohol, fish, nightshades, fruits, gluten, meat, dairy, eggs, vegetables that did not come from the best organic farmer at your local farmer’s market, and CORN.  OMG Did I mention that corn is the highest evil – that it’s not even actually CORN anymore because it’s been genetically modified and cross pollinated and that we should probably just go ahead and cancel Thanksgiving because we are just such a gigantic embarrassment to our forefathers!  Not to mention that it will kill you the way it’s already killed THE BEES!

Lastly AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:  one should not stress about one’s diet too much, it’s counter productive and the stress of stressing about food is actually worse than the deadly food itself.  And one should always eat slowly chewing at least 35 times to get digestive juices flowing and think happy thoughts while doing so, enjoying every last poisonous bite of whatever one is dining on.  Enjoy!  xx- Sarah

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Reader Comments

  1. Nina|

    Haha great post! Thank you for reminding that we should enjoy food and listen to our body instead of listenning to the contradictory advices from everyone on the Internet! I wish that many people could read your post! I don’t like to be lectured about my diet choices (which are pretty good in my opinion!), so I don’t lecture people about theirs either. That said, there is a devil that you can point out for sure and this is processed foods. But I have some from time to time because it’s convenient so I guess I can’t be lectured about that either ;)

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  2. Chris|

    OMG!!! TOO funny and so true! When you start doing research, the reports can be so conflicting – which brings it back to…do what you feel led to do.

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  3. Rachel|

    Sarah, I’m applying to a Master of Nutrition program (and completing all the science prereqs for the program now), and this is exactly what fascinates me about nutrition. Everyone has a million competing claims, and it makes choosing a healthy diet incredibly confusing. (And a lot of these claims come from unreliable sources.) I hope you keep posting about what makes you feel healthy. And I hope you start feeling better soon. I completely understand your digestive woes – I’ve had IBS for years now, and I’m still trying to figure out what works best for me.

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  4. Kathi|

    Ugh. AND Yes!

    You absolutely have the American diet nailed and everyone should eat exactly what you say they should. Except for the people that shouldn’t.

    Seriously though, this is the post I’ve been struggling to write myself, and you’ve done it brilliantly. I’m going to share it with my classmates (we’re taking a class on the food system in America– it’s not a diet/nutrition class, but I think some of them will get a kick out this post.) Well done. Bravo.

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  5. Jordan|

    I needed this! I’ve been falling down the rabbit hole lately and I just can’t figure it out. Am I dealing with candida, or fibromyalgia, or maybe I just hit the sugar too hard in my youth? Is there a cure all? Most claims are based on nothing and constantly contradict each other! Deeper in the hole I started getting into the 4 billion types of restrictive diets and I think hell no. I’ve given up sugar and processed foods but I’m not giving up organic milk in my coffee, a piece of sprouted grain toast, or the sweet, sweet corn tortilla chip that cradles the best salsa in the world (the life blood here in San Diego). Reading this just helped me relax about it all. Eat whole foods and get some exercise, that’s it.

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  6. Cathi|

    Thank you for this, I needed a laugh!! This post is exactly how I feel trying to figure out what to eat and drink. Whatever you do, it’s never good enough and there are lots and lots of contradictions.

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  7. Sharyn|

    I have fumed (and laughed!) over all the contradictions for years. This is great! I try to live by the 80/20 idea, yet some days feel more like 10/90. Yikes! But ultimately I rest in this – the Lord will call my life complete when He decides – sugar or no sugar. So I try to live/eat the best I can and leave the rest to grace. Grace allows the occasional bowl of Chunky Monkey, and let me tell you I’m grateful! :)

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  8. Hillary @ Journal de Jalune|

    Great post! It is so easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of ‘shoulds’ when it comes to diet and nutrition (not to mention it is a HUGE money making industry). Finding a balance in whatever you let into your body, food or stress or negative energy, has been my guide!

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  9. Cate|

    A big ol’ YES! to all this. Such a good reminder that there is no magic diet and that we need to listen to our bodies, not what all the “experts” know to be true. Totally made me smile. Thanks!

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  10. Alexandra|

    This made me laugh at loud (and even snort a little, which is a sign of true hilarity). Thank you for the laugh!!

    xx,
    Ali

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  11. Brooke|

    Hilarious, especially as I sit here snacking on a fountain coke and snickers! Oh, but the joy of life to enjoy the little things. Always enjoy reading here. Thanks!

    Brooke @convenientstyle

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  12. Linda|

    Sarah, you are TOO funny. Nah, you are just the funny that the doctor didn’t order but should. :)

    Reply
  13. Caroline|

    This is what happens all to often in my head. I am always bouncing back and forth between the extreme health mentality, and trying to relax a bit and balance my diet. This is the subject matter I discuss in my blog as well. It’s so nice to see other bloggers out there who get it!

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  14. Leyla|

    LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS! Just brilliantly written and so on point! Good luck with finding the right balance for you in this never ending riddle!!

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  15. Kendra|

    Like you, I’ve been struggling with health issues and have been looking into different diets and ways of eating. Without having an actual diagnosis from a doctor yet (a few more appts and tests to come), it’s hard to know if anything should really be off of the table (allergies or intolerances). I do, however, completely agree with this post. You can find a pro and con for every food out there and trying to follow any kind of strict diet can be stressful and probably does cause more harm than eating that one cookie or handful of strawberries!

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  16. Kimberley|

    HA. Love this. I am doing a little pause from sugar, and the person guiding it is prone to histrionic remarks like some of the above, which led me to do some research, which led me down the same OMG YOU’RE GONNA DIE rabbit hole. Which reminded me to chill the eff out. :)

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  17. Tracy Rainwaters|

    Lady, this gave me the best deep belly laugh! This is great. If it helps at all, eating under the ayurvedic principles changed my health and weight dramatically. I hope you’re well.

    Tracy

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  18. brigitte|

    This is my favorite thing ever! Totally fucking hilarious….and 100% true.

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  19. Elisa|

    Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
    So passionate about this hysteria at the moment!
    Imagine sharing this 2015 health food news to an impoverished village family who had but a bag of potatoes and lentils to feel their family for the week… if they were lucky, they would have some pig fat to cook it all in.
    It’s time to get real about food, great GREAT post, Sarah!

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  20. Caroline|

    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry while reading this! As a fellow sufferer of a GI disease, I feel your pain (literally and figuratively, I imagine!) and I have almost reached my wits end when it comes to defining the foods that I actually CAN have. Seriously, it’s like you read my little food diary “no no’s” with this post. After learning all of what you’ve learned, and likely been told by your GI doctors – how do you know what’s safe to eat and what isn’t? I was told years ago to avoid all things spicy, citrus, chocolate, alcohol, caffeine, with too much onion/garlic, too much fiber, etc etc etc. All I thought I could eat was lettuce. Since then I’ve tried to feel it out and learn from my body, but it’s a slow going and crazy frustrating process. Any advice?

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  21. Annie|

    Haha I love this. Everytime I set limitations for myself, the thing I am not allowed to have is exactly the thing i want – so I have decided to have a little bit of everything! Thanks for sharing!

    xo Annie
    http://www.laircake.com

    Reply
  22. ak|

    omg… i never comment on anything ever but after reading this i couldn’t not. this is AMAZING and so spot-on. so funny.

    Reply
  23. Laura|

    When I first started reading this, I was so confused but as I kept reading – I appreciated the sentiment.

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  24. Ani {@afotogirl}|

    As someone who has been trying to navigate the nutrition seas since my own diabetes diagnosis, this post made me laugh out loud. Well done, Sarah! So much of this contradictory claims I found myself while trying to figure out a way to reverse my diabetes. In the end, it came down to really listening to my body, removing highly processed foods and cooking fresh, wholesome food every night. I’ve successfully reversed my diagnosis, no thanks to all the “experts” out there. Wishing you healing in your own health struggles.

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  25. Karina|

    I’ve been talking recently to my mother about food and new recipes and she told me that as she gets older she relies less and less on diets and recipes created by others. She still has a lot of cookbooks and follows many blogs, but she’s much more interested in “finding her inner chef” as she puts it. I think it’s a brilliant approach. I tend to be stressed about piles of new recipes I HAVE TO try out and tend to forget that I should listen to my body rather than food trends.
    I’m looking forward to the next part of your food journey. It looks like you’re discovering your “inner chef” too.

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  26. Jenny D - LittleBig Mag|

    Thanks Sarah. Good to know it’s not only us who don’t have a clue what we should be eating – esp when we have such diverging health issues. So much conflicting info at the moment… I will await further info from you!!!

    Reply
  27. penni|

    This is THE BEST blog post ever.
    The ridiculousness & confusion of it all. Who the Hell knows. I obviously don’t.
    I need a glass of wine. Huh? Too early? Too much sugar. My leaky gut is twitching.
    Thanks for making my day, Sarah xoxoxo

    Reply
  28. Becca|

    I love this so much, and just wanted to thank you for this hilarious (and yet so freaking accurate) post. Also wanted to send you virtual hugs from one sister to another with chronic illness, I started reading your blog because of you sharing your story (and I keep coming back because your sense of style is amazing!) I’ve totally been there and continue to question it all- even though I’m a lifelong healthy eater there’s still lots to learn about what works best for me personally. The struggle is real! Cheers to staying in remission, using foods to heal, and sharing it all so we can help others shine bright xoxoxo

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  29. Desi|

    That was the perfect post. It’s so frustrating especially when you or your partner has real health issues.

    Reply
  30. Chris|

    Yes, yes and yes! And don’t forget we all need to listen to the experts that spend their entire lives on trying to understand this stuff. But then again the only real way to come up with a customized plan that works perfectly for you is to ONLY listen to your own body. Love it.

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  31. Tracy|

    This is great! I love this – thank you for finding humor in the overwhelming noise on what and what not to eat!

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  32. Morgan|

    As someone who works in a restaurant and has to deal with whatever diet is trending in New York on a daly basis, I must say HALLELUJAH! This made my laugh hysterically–amazing!

    Reply
  33. Jennifer|

    This is my first time visiting your blog. I LOVE this post! It is exactly how I feel when I talk to my “health conscious” friends. Thanks!

    Reply
  34. Ravyn|

    I read both posts, and loved them. I’m an ethical vegan, and I often struggle with health vs. my beliefs. For instance: I struggle with getting DHA and Omegas (so vital for a healthy body). I’ve found supplements to help, but man, it would be so much easier to get it from my diet. I hate taking so many vitamins, etc. This comment is probably more fitting for your other post, but still … It’s so wonderful that you’ve found what makes your body and soul feel healthy and nourished. Thanks for sharing! And, I’m happy to see that you’ll continue sharing recipes that are vegan (or easily vegan).

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  35. Sonja|

    hahaha, this made my day, found your link on howsweetitis. i love this post and will definitely going to share it :)

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  36. Jeannie J|

    I just popped over here from “How Sweet It Is” and am so glad I did. This post is exactly what I have come up with in trying to figure out “healthy eating”. In fact I have gained 30+ pounds trying to eat healthy. I am going to follow this blog and see what you have to say for the solution to all these mixed messages. Thank you for a good laugh. I never thought of this roller coaster so clearly.

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  37. Tiffany|

    Sarah this post is amazing! I laughed SO hard! It’s so funny because it’s so true (obviously) that we are all bombarded with constant contradictions about diet and health, and possibly even more so as women. I read this post right after reading the one about your current health update and am so glad you are feeling good again! I have followed your blog for some time now, but it recently become even more important to me when a good friend of mine was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. She and I have regular discussions about nutrition and all of the ways the “information” we have about it now can make a person crazy if they don’t just listen to their own bodies. Thanks again for the hilarious and insightful post! Cheers!

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  38. Claudia H Babic|

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I JUST DIED… LAUGHING!!! THIS IS HILLARIOUS, AND SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ACCURATE IS ALMOST SCARY. SO SARAH, WHAT CAN WE EAT THEN? I’M A VEGETARIAN, ONLY ORGANIC, NON-GMO, NO SUGAR OR AT LEAST THE LESS AMOUNT POSSIBLE, LOW SODIUM, NO WHITE BREAD, NO CEREALS, NO NO NO NO EVERYTHING, AND STILL, AFTER READING THIS, I SHOULD BE DEATH A LONG TIME AGO… HA HA HA HA HA HA. GREAT ARTICLE. I LIKE YOU, YOU MUST BE ORGANIC…

    Reply
  39. Eva|

    Too bad you have bad genes and your body can’t handle food.
    I hope no one is taking this nonsense serious.

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  40. tara|

    I’m dying, dying laughing. Why can’t all nutritional information be this brilliant?

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  41. Viv|

    Thanks for this! I am 100% clear on what I should and should not eat from now on! No one wants a painful, lonely death! x

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  42. Noelle|

    Ha! Love this post. I recently started the Whole 30 (ish) / Paleo to clear up some health issues. In my research, I too have discovered all of the above. I decided to stick with the Whole 30 for the month to give my body a break from certain foods, however, I’ve decided at the end of the month to start listening to my body above all and not stress. I’d like to be committed but not totally restricted. Great post!

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  43. Laurel Cabrera|

    I freaking LOVE THIS!! Haha! This is seriously hilarious and I pretty much have read every form of advice that you so perfectly mentioned. Makes sense why everyone is struggling and second guessing themselves, versus just listening to their own unique bodies. Thanks for making me smile! :)

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  44. Allison|

    Yes, yes, yes! I find this all the time when I go to do some research. It’s either necessary or terrible for you depending on where you are reading at the moment. I’ve decided that portion sizes are my best friend when it comes to eating. Not too much, but not too little.

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  45. Valentina @Hortus|

    AHHAHAH Well said!
    Though I am a vegetarian who eats whole foods and I think that everyone should do their best to eat as little processed foods as possible, and eat what makes us feel good, stressing too much about our diets is definitely one of the worst things for our health. There’s an Italian saying that goes: ‘craving badly a slice of prosciutto will do you more harm than eating it.’

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  46. Christina Gross|

    So hilarious, a much needed laugh about nutrition…Thank you…and this is coming from an RD. :) Hope all is well, Robert and I hope to see you the next time we visit San Diego…so you can meet Baby Gross! :)

    Reply
  47. Venessa|

    errrmrrggdd you have hit the nail on the head girlfriend. lol
    so, i’m a functional nutrition counselor and boy do i get SO many questions about all of the above. and i usually get the ones that have literally “done it all” and still feel bad. the annoying-as-hell piece of it is that all of those have a lot of truth, but the catch is that it really… *really*… all depends on the person’s individual state of physiology, mind and environment. yea that can suck but it’s also beautiful… it becomes an art form, then, to learn to listen to our own bodies and tune into what it’s whispering or screaming at us, instead of the scary crap that’s out on the interwebs. there are no definitive answers and it’s always a journey. thanks for the laugh :)

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  48. Jaqueline|

    Dear Sarah,
    You have just had my husband and I in hysterics!!! We are in Sydney Australia in the middle of a storm with no electricity. Besides our little iPad on 55% battery and your wonderful blog to keep us warm. Thank you for making us realise that the world has gone quite crazy with what we should and shouldn’t be eating. So true! Everything in moderation must be the way?
    Xo

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  49. Kelly|

    This is the most amazing rant I’ve ever read on the evils of food! I love this so much. Thank you. Now I’m gonna go eat some plastic ’cause that won’t have any effect on my digestive system at all.

    Reply