blog vs. reality, episode 1

this is me, at roughly 3 years old, hiking the grand canyon with my dad.  i peed myself and had to wear a sweatshirt as shorts.  my dad is holding my shame in his left hand.  do i look bothered?  not in the least!  just need to figure out how to channel that spunk and i-don’t-give-a-f*ck attitude into my adult life. working on that…. now, would you like to hear a little bit about what’s going on behind the scenes here at a house in the hills?

– two nights ago in the pitch dark i reached down to turn on the fan we keep on the floor beside our dresser and slammed my face into one of the drawers (that i had neglected to close…a bad habit of mine).  my lip was split open on the inside and there were a lot of tears.  ok, violent sobbing. i was convinced it was really bad and would need stitches, but lou talked me down off the ledge and by morning it was nearly invisible.  i hate when i have an injury that hurts worse than it looks, it makes it so difficult to garner a satisfiable level of sympathy.

– in the middle of the work day yesterday i took a break- and proceeded to take down 3/4 of a pint of {vegan} chocolate peanut butter ice cream.  i spent the rest of the day feeling nauseous and ashamed of myself.

– bean, dog genius, is plagued with anxiety lately (probably my fault since being plagued by anxiety is what i do best) she is now waking us up at 5 am pacing around the room.  that’s been fun.  even more fun: the mom guilt i’m experiencing over it.  ugh.

– one of the things going i posted about here, well it fell through. and even though i know it wasn’t meant to be for a variety of reasons, it still stung a bit. rejection is the pits.

– i haven’t cooked us a proper dinner in well over a week.  and we spent our four year anniversary eating takeout on our living room floor. we also saw a movie that i do not recommend you see, under any circumstances (what to expect when you’re expecting).  are you supposed to celebrate your dating anniversary after you’re married?  is eating takeout on the floor what the rest of you are doing on these occasions? 

– lately i’ve been feeling guilty that i’m not doing enough. my attention right now is divided in so many ways that i feel like i’m just being sucky at everything and great at nothing.  and i can’t seem to focus. i sit at my desk and before i know it hours have passed and i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything! please please please tell me this happens to you too.

ok, so i’ve noticed this is turning into a one-woman pity party, it’s time to wrap it up!  are you having a weird week?  or an amazing week?  please share. 

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Reader Comments

  1. alysha rainwaters|

    Even though it's been a weird week, don't be so hard on yourself! I had a weird weekend, full of unexplained (probably baby hormones) tears and upset. I was upset with Matt for every move he made, poor guy is so patient. Anyways, these weird weeks come (and thankfully) go. So cheers to a fresh start, lovely day for a lovely lady!
    XOXO

    Reply
  2. Hannah|

    This has got to be one of the funniest pictures! Having takeout on the floor and celebrating your dating anniversary are two of my favorite things. 😉 (Ive been married almost four years.) I also celebrate the day we got engaged. Have a great weekend!

    Reply
  3. iz|

    I've also been having a weird week. But in dating a freelancer, I can speak from experience that you guys have it much harder. I mean, I come to work, I have a set path for success, I have people who stand behind me and support my decisions, my Boyfriend (a professional musician), is his only advocate. You have to have a strong backbone to be a freelancer and it can get real hard sometimes. I've seen him through many dissapointments but also many opportunities and successes that I will never have in my corporate career. At the end of the day, I think he's got the better end of the stick. For example, I'm currently sitting in a cube, he's currently playing piano all day. Anyways, it's been a long week for me as well, but keep your spirits up and know that I will trade jobs with you any day 😉

    Reply
  4. Lori B|

    I feel your pain, I can't tell you the last time I was on a date with my husband, our household nutrition sucks, my faith is suffering, and my children…don't even go there. I just said the exact same thing to my mom the other, sucky at everything, good at nothing. I feel like everything I do is half-assed….it is not a one-woman pity party, it is an epidemic!!!

    Reply
  5. Julip Made|

    I know what you mean about needing some of that childlike invincibility… that is why I named by blog after a childhood nickname because I wrote my a's backwards, thus Julip not Julia.

    As for Bean… try a thunder shirt (http://www.thundershirt.com/) they work wonders with dogs that are too smart for their own good and find the most random weird things to stress over like Belgian Malinois (my pups) do.

    Lastly, please don't ever feel like you aren't doing enough. I constantly cite your blog as one that I admire for continually putting out original, gorgeous content. Just take a look back at your archives and hopefully you'll get the same inspiration you gives others daily!

    Reply
  6. Maria|

    I hope things begin to turn around for you soon! I've had a good week so far, it's been super boring because of work but I'm getting through it!

    Reply
  7. Courtney|

    That picture just stole my heart. Thanks for being so open and sharing. I hope this weekend gives you some much needed time to catch your breath!

    Reply
  8. sarah yates|

    thank you so much everyone for all the encouragement and for sharing what's going on with you! this blog is so much more fun for me when it's a conversation, i really appreciate you taking the time. xo

    Reply
  9. Sage|

    hands down the best photo i've seen in a long time! not to mention what a brilliant idea to turn a sweatshirt into shorts 🙂
    i'm happy to hear that i'm not the only one having one of those weeks and that my cat's are acting just as strange and annoying as i am… i feelya pain and i can't wait for this week to just be done and start a fresh week on monday. yes, i'm looking forward to monday!!!
    xoxo

    Reply
  10. Jessica|

    first off – that picture is too amazing for words… and your dad looks like a lot of fun!
    secondly, I have weeks like that about once a month… so about 1/4 of my life is like that. I have learned to just take the ups with the downs, and try to calm my always present anxiety that I am not doing enough with a cold beer and boyfriend time. take out and a movie on the floor sounds about right for date night around my place! It's all about perspective – being with the one you love, in the home that you have made… is there really any where else you would rather be?
    xx
    Here&Now

    Reply
  11. Laura Podrasky|

    Hang in there!!! It's Friday, time for some you time. I'm always amazed at how in tune our animals are with us. Sounds like both of you need to just curl up together and watch the clouds. Maybe add a glass of wine and some feel good music……
    Just being together on your anniversary and celebrating that is enough!!!! We hit 15 years this next week and we'll be lucky to sit down together and eat, so it doesn't matter how you celebrate!!!
    What a cool dad to take you hiking at that age!!! Love his shirt, too!

    Reply
  12. Betsy|

    You're father is a genius and you are adorable.
    (unrelated to this post, I just found your blog and today and just have to say I covet pretty much your whole closet) 🙂

    Reply
  13. Erin|

    hang in there lady. you're stunning, talented, skilled and a true spirit who will pull nothing but good things toward herself. Thinking of you!

    Reply
  14. Kate|

    Oh, where to begin? This week has been painful for me too…Ive been trying trying to figure out my career situation for what seems like years. This week it all came crashing down on me that all I seem to do is find ways to avoid actually picking one thing, instead I do several things at once, none of them satisfying me or making me feel like in doing something that will help me grow.
    I think it's great that your putting it all out there, I have a hard time with that unfortunately.
    Funny you mention your dog acting weird, my oldest (yes, I talk about them like they are my children) has been waking us up in the middle of night with what seem like anxiety attacks, she just won't calm down unless I sit with her for while, which is not fun at 3:30am. Maybe she is picking up on my funky energy. I actually wrote a post on my dogs today 🙂
    Oh, and the only time I cook/bake is if it's for the blog – so don't feel bad.

    Sorry for my rambling 🙂

    Kate
    http://www.theforgetfulwife.com

    Reply
  15. Becca|

    I absolutely love that picture!

    I hear you on feeling like you're split between too many things. Some weeks I am just not as creative/productive/etc as others. Last week was especially bad… I wasn't coming up with good ideas and got caught in a funk. This week has been a bit better.

    Also, I am so sorry to hear about your night time accident – I have done something similar before, and it is does suck when something really hurts and there is no real evidence of it later.

    I really enjoy reading your blog – and hearing more about you.

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

    Reply
  16. sarah yates|

    i wish i could reach through this computer and hug each one of you, you have no idea how much better you've made me feel! thank you all so much for your words, means the world to me!

    i've ordered the thundershirts, one for each dog…will report back to let you know how it goes with the bean!

    Reply
  17. heather|

    That photo made my week.

    I'm a fairly new reader to your blog, and I just think that it's gorgeous and so inspiring. So thank you for that.

    You're so not alone when it comes to having the feelings that you're having. I left a lucrative (and boring and soul sucking and just AWFUL) career behind two years ago and have been wandering ever since, trying to make sense of everything. It's hard, but I just keep telling myself that this period of my life is necessary and maybe even worthwhile. Hang in there, sister.

    Reply
  18. Laura|

    baha! awesome picture!
    Also as awesome is your honesty – phew, we're all real people struggling with similar stuff!

    Reply
  19. Jennifer Nichols|

    Agree with everyone else. That photo of you and your dad= AWESOME.

    Just want you to know that your blog is on a short list of blogs that I tune in to on a regular basis and really enjoy! And as a fellow wedding photographer, I love your work! Seriously good stuff.

    Reply
  20. lindsey|

    I am the queen of dog mom anxiety and the owner of captain anxious pants so I feel your pain on that one. love your blog!!

    Reply
  21. JD|

    hi sarah,

    love the photo, but, wow, sounds like a rough week.

    i found your site via a post on clare vivier's blog. i read about your experience with crohn's – so glad you trusted your instincts and are now primarily healthy. often when you go to "medical" doctors you get medicine. i think there is somewhat of a shift in physician education and mindset happening, but i always go home and do my own research too. i think a large portion of people also want that "pill". they don't want to be told to go home and take care of themselves. complicated issue.

    anyway, this post struck me. i don't know if you've ever had your astrology chart done, but we just had a pretty big solar eclipse on May 20th and a lunar eclipse on June 4th. i know it sounds totally hokey, but after learning how to read my own chart i often find my ups and downs in life corresponding to astrological events. while i have no clue how this works, i've seen it time and time again, not just with me, but friends and family too, so have come to accept there is something there. it kind of gives me some relief and understanding of going through the tough times,. if your interested, i'd be happy to take a look at your chart for you if you think it would be helpful.

    best wishes.

    Reply
  22. Kim|

    i'm with you on that last one, hours pass by and I haven't accomplished a single thing then I end up feeling like a complete loser. yeah, this actually happened tonight, great.

    Reply
  23. tjremp|

    best.picture.ever.
    you and your dad look like awesome people. this picture inspires me to be that kind of a parent -laid back, life-loving, and able to roll with the punches. thanks for sharing. you made me smile all day:)

    Reply
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